Today I am 42. (Apparently, I like to write on my birthday). I just read my thoughts from my 40th and 41st birthdays – one of celebrating our recent move to Nova Scotia, and the other describing our all-too-close encounter with oncology.
Today, there is less brewing. I am contentedly sipping my coffee, with the beautiful full moon image in my mind from my earlier venture outside in the early morning hours with our puppy, Ruby. There is something so peaceful about being out when most of the world is sleeping – like a secret moment that I get to have with the universe. Today, it felt like it started my day off with a magical feeling.
Maybe that’s what lead to me sitting down to write again for the first time in months.
It’s time for me to sort through my thoughts – my most recent revelation – that I am afraid to shine. I don’t know why – I don’t even really know what I mean by that – but it certainly resonates true. There is something in me that has been holding myself back. I’ve been my own glass ceiling.
I think I’m finally ready to break it.
The other night I was lying on Audra’s bed with her, and I read aloud the quote I framed for her:
The quote that sums up both her and my sister to me. Two amazing, unique, break-the-mold females in my life that I love fiercely, admire and adore. And while I lay there reflecting on them, she piped in: “Mommy, that quote makes me think of YOU.”
Me? Shining? Sparkly and star-shaped? I don’t know about that. I think I am a little more like vanilla ice cream. Maybe with a centre of chocolate and caramel – some deeper hidden treasure. But standing out? I don’t think so.
Until I reflected. Why the hell not?
Why can’t I shine too? Stand out rather than blend in? I’m certainly not afraid to blaze a trail, face life full on, or stand up for what I believe.
Have I been spending my 42 years pegging myself into the wrong hole?
I know that there is fire inside of me. Passion, purpose, inspiration, power. I’ve felt it blaze many times.
But for some reason, I seem to think that I should let it burn quietly, like hot embers rather than as burning flames.
Maybe THAT is what is changing. Maybe, just maybe, I am finally coming around to letting myself step into the fire instead of quietly keeping that part of me from the world.
So. As I reflect on today – I can’t help but wonder what this next decade will bring. Giving myself permission to shine may just be the theme of my next ten years.
I’m sure there will be challenge, doubt and heartache. More learning and growth. Joy and laughter. Life in general.
And FIRE. Burning bright; fierce, powerfully harnessed, and with a life of its own.
So yes. I am officially giving myself permission to SHINE.
Lighting up the world.
Like – a – Freaking – Super – Nova.